There are too many people, wet people, dry people, all bang bang banging in like a pack procession of zombies at a door you must plank up fastly, running to the door with bolts and nails. You must understand I am not one of those misanthropists for they in fact love people-dribbling, scrabbling they rat mouth on and on of their contempt of society only when there is an audience, oblivious of the exhaustion that is engagement, a true misanthropist would not call themselves such a thing as they would not speak to you at all.
I am beautiful and young and I have long dark hair and I am beautiful and young and I have long dark hair because I am my own muse as well as author, man as well as woman, I can love myself and love myself I will do. (And well).
I ate French toast with maple syrup and bacon and she asked me if I ever doubted myself and I said no because I didn’t but also because I had no intention of being myself with her. It is a world war one anniversary and a Canadian says he doesn’t care for it but no one cares for him so it doesn’t matter so much. And the rest of my notes are badly written as my motor neurons are badly written and all I can make out is ‘dirt and amputation to sound impressive and a teddy bear farting in an old fashioned picture book’. So make of that what you will guess.
Matt asked me if I bought my Mum a father’s day card. I said no. I told her the story. She laughed. Of course I have to be both mother and father she said.
And criminality is a sort or originality, a sort of economic artistry, so I can say that my families are blue bloods in that sense. I think I am my own both. My body is for me only. I am a self-sustaining organism, a plant cell splitting in half to form a whole.
When I went North, North, North. I saw a mountain that looked like a mountain that looked like a story that looked liked a woman that was a story and also a person and also like actually just some rocks that tourists pointed at and took pictures of. And I write down in my note book with the bulbasaur stickers on ‘a mountain woman, bushy breasted, twin peaked: the Scots would marry the land if they could but I am an Englishman thru and thru, tho I am neither English nor a man. I lick the toes, kiss the soles of blighty, my puke green pleasant land and tip my imaginary top hat and say bury me in blighty old bean to no one in particular.’ I won’t type the rest out as it is not words, just pictures of clouds and sheep and flowers.
Wednesday, 30 December 2015
My sole aim for 2k15 was to not successfully commit suicide, which i achieved, and if u are ready this u achieved it to! GO US!
15 nice things for 2k15-
5. Not giving up with CTW and now its out there and that’s cool!!!
6. Getting a full scholarship for pHD and starting PHD!!!
8. Going to Iceland!
10. Teaching my first class at central saint martins to undergraduate students about folklore and horror and internetting!!!
11. Working at a mental health museum!! Being in an art show about mental health!!!
12. NOT DYING!!
13. Writing the things i need to write!!!
14. New friends!!! I was so lonely this time last year….
15. NOT DYING!!!!
Monday, 14 December 2015
My essay for Doll Hospital Issue Two! Also like obligatory there are 150+ pages of content and 99% of them don't include me talking about my deep personal connection with Jesse Pinkman so like go read that instead.
artwork by Mikael Hattingh
content warning suicide
I don’t want my tumblr to be deleted when I (eventually) kill myself. To ensure this does
not happen I post a tweet that reads: When I die I want my tumblr to be a UNESCO
world heritage site. That should do the job nicely. I am not good at doing jobs. I am a
slacker. Like the song Slack Motherfucker. Like the tall blue bird Mordecai in the
Regular Show. He went to art school too, you kno. The cartoon bird I mean. And
an unpleasant incarnation of his gum ball machine boss tells him, “You’re just another
slacker who went to art school to feel like he accomplished something!” This is not my
psychosis. I have screen shots of the scene. Proof. I even posted it on my blog saying
“Mordecai is more me than me” if you want the receipts.
I suppose I am a part of a particular dashboard of perpetually stoned,
permanently unemployable, working class girls of colour with my bullshit blogging
and low self esteem selfies. (You could call hat a movement, slackerdom at least has
anti-capitalist intentions, and I am not only spoonless but hopeless too). I am ridiculous.
And slightly nauseous. When my stomach disease was bad in January I shit my pants
in a Holocaust memorial service. (I kno!) And I think maybe I should rewrite The Old
Man and the Sea about my trichotillomania, with a deeply rooted hair follicle in place of
the big fish.
My tumblr url is bernard-beth after Bernard Black. I am both dysphoric and
psychotic so fictitious white dudes on TV are an interesting model of myth-making. I
think. I guess. Disassociation can turn even a muggle like me into an Oscar winner. And
the bonus of never having accomplished anything is that no one will ask me to
write my memoir as I honestly don’t what is Netflix and what is irl anymore. The
movie Spring Breakers is on Netflix and it gave me nightmares and white weaponised
femininity does not float my boat. Me and Lil talk about the Runaways after the
Huffington Post article on that nasty rapist man comes out. I love my survivor sisters
more than anything else in the world and I do not want abuser aesthetics in my house.
But as much as This Bridge Called My Back is my bible I am interested in occupying
these white guys’ characters. Stealing their toys, their clothes, their lines. Jackson
Pollock said ‘I am Nature’ and I reply with ‘I am Jackson Pollock’.
I am also Jesse Pinkman. Because Jesse survives. And is fictitious. I also survive.
And am ficticuous. However, the Jesse Pinkman blogging hashtag is less popular
than the Bernard Black blogging one. This is most likely because it centres around
substance abuse and takes place at 5am. Jesse is a survivor and Bernard is a survivor. But
Charlie Kelly is the most survivor, the most me. The dude survived his own abortion.
When I was suicidal the other week I wrote:
“It’s not that I want to die. I want to go further. Suicide is still a selfhood, the
ultimate in fact. I wish I had never been conceived. I don’t want to exist even in
idea form. Everyone said I should have been aborted – the family, the doctors. they
were quite right. They were quite right. Noun. Noun. Noun.”
So we have the abortion thing in common. Also his learning difficulties, his
trauma, his cats, the absent fathers and dodgy literacy skills. His height and high-
pitched voice. His mania. His army jacket and neurovariance. I also used to clean up
human waste for money. (Though being a cleaner of colour carried a different context
I suppose). Charlie responds to childhood abuse not with a TED talk but with a
magical musical written in crayon. I use crayon in all my artwork. I offered to give
one to my mum and she said no thank you. Suicide attempts are horcruxes –
you lose yourself one try at a time. But horcruxes are also fragments of the soul.
Containments. Parts lost given back to you in unexpected packages. Your writing, your
pet, a TV character on a strange sitcom that is yours too you kno, you just didn’t realise it
before you hit play.
People say I am strong. But I am not strong. People say I am inspiring. But I am not
inspiring. I am not an MIA gif set. Or a pair of Frida Kahlo socks. There is a particularly
colonial thumbprint on the caricature of the strong woman of colour. For I am not strong,
but suicidal. And I do not want my perpetual debasement to serve as a catalyst to the very
model of white authorship that made me sick in the first place. I do not want my vomit
chunks used to paint masterpieces. I do not want that one bit.
Charlie Kelly is not a strong woman of colour. He eats garbage out of the trash.
Bernard Black is not a strong woman of colour. He has mushrooms growing out
of his hair. Jesse Pinkman is not a strong woman of colour. He is well...he is Jesse
Pinkman! Survival is not inspiring, it is repulsive, and it is always the rats that run
first, the cockroachs that survive. I am a rat. A cockroach. A parasite. (Parasitic lifestyle
blogging is another hashtag that is dear to me.) And Charlie crawls around the sewers
of Philadephia with no clothes on.
And a bonus playlist! Again made into ART by Mikael. He couldn't actually fit all the songs into one playlist so consider the extra like 34 songs a suprise?!
Wednesday, 9 December 2015
Long time no speak! Hi! hello!
I'm still a mentally ill blob with an enthusiasm for mood boarding but I'm now a mentally ill blob whose finished their first term of PHD and just launched DH Issue Two.
Yep. Doll Hospital Issue Two IS OUT NOW!!!!!
Thursday, 19 November 2015
[Paper presented at the November 2015 Cine-Excess Conference at Brighton University-this research is a part of my PHD research on trauma, digital spaces and child abuse.]
CW: themes of csa
There are unspoken rules of the Internet: don’t post anything online you wouldn’t want your grandmother to see, the penis enlargement email in your spam box is almost certainly a scam, and the most socially active, in this hyper connected realm of the digital, are undoubtedly the most lonely of us all. Because, whilst seemingly rooted in the technical, the shame, viscera and banalities that define the digital world makes it, not post-human, but deeply human in all the creepy, ‘perverted’ ways we might not care to admit. (Though of course the very term human itself is a flabby, capricious and moveable one and certainly a concept to be picked apart with pliers another time).
As a result, in defining this amorphous concept of ‘the Internet’ I follow the findings of the Meme Factory collective, an American group of Internet researchers, who argue in their self-titled 2014 book that:
“The internet is people. Made by, used by, inﬂuenced by, and everything-else’d by people. In an atoms-to-quarks-style reduction, its smallest constituent part is the person…There is absolutely no aspect of the internet that does not have its origin in human intent.”
This question of ‘human intent’ is of particular interest when applied to the subject of trauma, that blanket term to describe all manner of ills, which in my own research I have hinged on one specific ‘kind’ of ‘trauma’, childhood sexual abuse, which I have explored in two incarnations:
-The first, psychic trauma:
The effects of such incidences of abuse on the individual psyche.
(Again the very notion of the individual psyche poses its own questions, but a twenty-minute presentation has its limits).
-The second cultural trauma:
National anxieties in American English speaking communities on the subject of online child predators (as well as pre-existing ‘offline anxieties).
Because the Internet is not beyond the borders of geography or colonial history, the nuances, humor and interests of Syrian social media possess distinct, but not necessarily differing, signifiers than the average Minnesota Reddit user. This is not to offer a sense of cultural essentialism, itself a deeply colonial construct, but rather to question the notion that the English speaking Internet is the neutral default, for that presumption itself contributes to a white washing that it is important to not just simply avoid, but actively destroy.
So, with terms defined, we can progress to the focus of this paper, my Internet monster of choice, which I hope can help us understand questions of childhood sexual abuse and the traumatic imagination.
This is Pedo Bear, who is considered by Meme Factory as “the characterization of pedophilia on the web.” Originating on the Japanese message board 2chan, as a character created from key board symbols to signify an attention seeking user, it took on new meaning when it found its way to the largely unmoderated space of its American counterpart, 4chan. Here it was originally posted as a warning to moderators that child pornography was being, or about to be, posted and was also used to mock the issue of pedophilia as a whole. As American Internet academic Whitney Phillips explains: “Sometimes drooling, sometimes sweating, sometimes featuring a sombrero or the words “DO WANT,” Pedobear is always scrambling towards something. It is not until one realizes precisely what he is chasing after that his form takes on new significance.”
Now, the very fact that the internet even has a humorously cartoonish incarnation of childhood sexual abuse is revealing in and of itself, and whilst ‘off colour’ humor and an ambiguous public interest in pedophilia certainly predates the Internet, it is clear that this figure is rooted in the realm of the digital. This highlights the popularity of what Meme Factory describes as ‘Transgressive Media’ in online spaces, which they define as: “acts or situations known by the poster to exceed the comfort level—or emotional, mental, or gastronomical tolerances of the intended audience.” This notion of exceeding comfort levels is a revealing one with Meme Factory explaining that subversive and provocative images are not only intended to “shock and upset” but also “constitute a brag [for] the original poster” as if to say, “Look what terribleness I can endure”. 
This model of digital desensitization where “high tolerance is a hallmark of active community members” needs to be understood in terms of not just the blasé viewer seeking out gore and gross out videos, but also the unwilling spectator who accidentally views such content. Adrian Chen explains this process in the case of Goatse, a widely circulated pornographic meme. Chen says:
“The photo was the original Internet bait-and-switch: Share a link to a hot girl, a cute puppy, but— boom—it's Goatse instead. Goatse'ing someone without their consent is emotional assault. It's also funny as shit.”
Whilst undoubtedly unwilling viewers precede the Internet, and certainly many individuals would have been pressured, or tricked into, an ill fated viewing of ‘Faces of Death’ and other ‘video nasties’ in the past, however this space of jump scares and shock links are a distinctly digital development in how we consume objects of horror. Meme Factory emphasize this online development, stating:
“More to the point, audiences of classical folklore are likely consuming horror stories of their own free will. Viewers of online transgressive media are often eﬀectively being surprised by an unseen and malevolent source.”
This question of virtual survivors and unwilling viewers begs the question that if scary movies operates as ‘safe’ terror are gross internet videos and rape joke memes ‘safe’ trauma? Because whilst this media is not created for the benefit of childhood sexual abuse survivors, the language of Internet interactions with its talk of ‘Facebook rape’ (a ‘humorous’ term for posting something embarrassing, unflattering or out of character on another person’s Facebook wall without their consent), catch phrases of ‘your resistance only makes my penis harder’ when engaging in trolling activities, the sordid browsing history to be deleted, incognito modes to go unseen, the popularity of jump scares (seemingly innocent videos with a frightening shock or loud noise at the end to alarm its unsuspecting viewer) all begs the question of whether trauma is not simply in the content but in the code itself.
In this sense we could argue that on the Internet everyone is an abuser and everything is abuse. From the shadow web to Facebook in its talk of replication, desensitization, identity splitting and incoherent repetition we are presented with the childhood sexual abuse psyche. And much like a high school teacher might urge their students never to cite Wikipedia, our culture of victim blaming consistently reminds us never to trust a survivor of sexual violence. Because not only does the trauma as meme model exemplify the first as tragedy then as farce narrative so brilliantly-something I hope can be used to allow survivors to question notions of the authentic trauma and subvert oppressive notions of respectability- it also allows internet users to log in to these spaces of trauma on a casual basis-allowing non-survivors to be voluntarily (or involuntarily) traumatized by a horror they may not have experienced ‘irl’.
This brings us back to Pedo Bear where the predator is punch line and parody, an interactive space to ambiguously engage in an imagined, imminent assault. Let’s begin with the obvious, the figure is a cartoon teddy bear, a child’s toy, a potential Disney mascot, something coded as a friendly figure in the space of American capitalist culture, with the original teddy even being based on the benevolence of a former U.S. president. Hardly the collective image of child molestation, except paradoxically that it is, as I remind you that this meme has been described as “the characterization of pedophilia on the web”, making the creature both the antithesis and the embodiment of childhood sexual abuse.
This itself can serve as a cartoonish incarnation of Slavoj Žižek’s argument that “If something gets too traumatic, too violent, even too filled with enjoyment, it shatters the coordinates of our reality. We have to fictionalise it. ” In Scott Heim’s 1995 novel Mysterious Skin and Gregg Araki’s 2005 film adaptation of the same name we find the fantastical figure of alien abduction becomes both signifier and stand in for the trauma of childhood sexual abuse. Pedo Bear in his shocking brutality and playful persona can be seen to operate on the same system.
Because as technology writer Nick Douglas observes in his essay ‘A Beginner's Guide to Pedobear, the Internet's Favorite Pervert’ he explains: “The brilliance of the Pedobear mythos is that none of it is apparent in the picture of this innocent picture of a teddy.” Here the theme is not evident in the image, the wide eyed bear, but in the text, or rather the second part of the text, as the Pedo Bear meme structure relies on a pedophilic punch line. Much like a knock-knock joke relies on a reply of ‘who’s there’ Pedo Bear’s innocent set up of a teddy bear image and a familiar opening line requires a grotesque twist. For instance, line one: ‘stay in school’, line two: ‘it would be easier for me to find you’, and so on. This acts in support of horror and trauma theorist Adam Lowenstein’s point that “Walter Benjamin’s claims that the caption may be “the most important component of the shot”. For Benjamin, “the caption is related to the photographer’s guilt to “uncover guilt and name the guilty in his pictures.” This sense of guilt, naming, revelation and projection are developed further by Douglas when he states: “Pedobear's like a curse word: A picture of a teddy bear is only as offensive as the meaning it's given.”
This push and pull relationship between the simple and the complicated, the mocking and the affirming, the innocent and the degraded draws parallels with other models of transgressive social interaction, most notably the act of trolling, the art of willfully exposing or mocking an unsuspecting user through playfully devious forms of off topic interactions. As Whitney Phillips explains, online trolling work “is simultaneously cruel and amusing and aggressive and playful and real and pretend and hurtful and harmless, as are the trolls themselves. It really is as simple and as complicated as that.”
Many frustrated internet users would argue that it is Pedo Bear himself who is simple and the offline audiences, unaware of online norms and transgressive tastes, who are making it complicated. As Douglas argues “Pedobear is just a character made to mock pedophilia. And like anything interesting on the Internet, he's often feared and grossly misunderstood.” Examples of these offline misunderstandings are numerous and due to limits of time I shall only cite one example.
This is Pedo Bear in a primary school. Pedo Bear’s inconspicuous nature has already been highlighted, and it is this very nature that has resulted in him popping up in unexpected places, the creator unaware of his meaning, when stripped of the unsavoury text that serves as his revelation. As a result, the bear has been unintentionally included in a range of mainstream media from a front-page cover story on the 2010 Olympics to a Conservative column on Barack Obama.
However, as stated before, a particularly striking example, due to its setting, is when Pedo Bear found its way into a New Zealand primary school in 2012, displayed on a poster for an extended period of time. “No-one on our staff had any idea what this thing represented," states the school’s head master, Paul Irving, in a statement to the New Zealand Herald, serving as a revealing parallel to the anxiety inducing idea that real abusers often insidiously position themselves in plain sight as heads of families and pillars of communities.
In this sense, Pedo Bear in all his contradictions, misunderstandings and constant movements serves as a bridge between all manner of online media, mapping the seemingly unconnected spaces, from cute cat memes to illegal snuff videos, Pedo Bear occupies it all, and I believe this peculiar character can help us better understand both national and individual issues of childhood sexual abuse, both online and off.
 Stephen Bruckert, Patrick Davison, Mike Rugnetta, The Meme Factory Book, Beta Version, 2014,
 Know Your Meme: Pedo Bear by KnowYourMeme, posted on YouTube on the 22nd of November 2011
 Whitney Phillips, The House That Fox Built: Anonymous, Spectacle and Cycles of Amplification, 2012
 Meme Factory Book
 Meme Factory Book
 Adrian Chen, Finding Goatse: The Mystery Man Behind the Most Disturbing Internet Meme in History, Gawker, 4th of October 2012
 Meme Factory Book
 Slavoj Žižek, The Perverts Guide to Cinema
 Nick Douglas, ‘A Beginner's Guide to Pedobear, the Internet's Favorite Pervert’, urlesque, 11th June 2009
 Adam Lowenstein, Shocking Representation: Historical Trauma, National Cinema, and the Modern Horror Film, p.126
 Nick Douglas, ‘A Beginner's Guide to Pedobear’
 Whitney Phillips, LOLing at tragedy: Facebook trolls, memorial pages and resistance to grief online, First Monday, Volume 16, Number 12, December 2011
 Douglas, ‘A Beginner's Guide to Pedobear’
 Quoted in: Russell Blackstock, Pedobear pops up at school, New Zealand Herald, Mar 4, 2012
Wednesday, 14 October 2015
some shitty outfit posts inspired by 2005 flash myspace compact digital cameras of ppl looking mournful on swings??? + some shitty pictures of trees???=a shitty blog post??
Oh and some generic halloween shots from my insta???
***also a rick mental illness playlist i made on the train***
***and a general mental illness song**